Unable to write more than once a month...

I don't know if I just don't think that much, or don't value what I do think enough to put it in print.

Or maybe I'm afraid of what people will read in, or read into, my words.

Things have been busy, despite the fact that I signed on a couple months ago for a "normal" desk job (9 to 5ish, M-F) and am no longer in grad school ('cause I FINISHED, yeah!).

I drove over to a place in Cinci today that I found online. It was a boxing studio. I was really interested in seeing it, thinking I might take up boxing for fun and amusement. The place looked a little sketchy (and I'm not usually one who cares, I kind of like sketchy) and there was a "Closed" sign on the door. So no boxing for me today.

I've got to find something to do to get in shape before the big 4-0. I just don't want to ooze into the next decade; I'd like to run into it with no jiggling, at least no arm or thigh jiggling. I can't find my "thing" and I've looked in several various and interesting places. Suggestions are welcome, especially from locals who have a really good thought...

And while I'm on the subject of jiggling, I'm totally letting my mind go to waste. I mean, how many gossip blogs can you read before you turn into mush? What up? They are ALL THE SAME. And yet I can't look away. Help me! Anything with more substance just doesn't entertain me...

SO, I'll try to be back before September hits. If I can just convince myself to log off Snarky Gossip...

Later!

Not satisfied...

I have recently realized (again) that I am just not satisfied with myself--with anything about myself. It may be a phase (I've certainly been through this before) or it may just be who I am. Which will be a very disappointing life unless I can figure out what to do about it.

When I was younger, not being satisfied meant that I could push myself harder and get great results. But I still don't feel like I've achieved anything worthwhile with my life, and time, as they say, is of the essence.

So sometimes I wonder: What is it going to take to actually be satisfied with myself?

On being nice...

What does it mean to be nice? I mean, really?

I used to think I was a nice person. Actually, I used to think that others thought I was a nice person. Deep down, I knew that I wasn't as nice as I appeared to be. And it was a lot of work trying to be nice all of the time. But for some reason I felt compelled to be considered a nice person. I really wanted, no needed people to think that I was really nice.

Not to say that I didn't have moments of genuinely being nice. I still do. But for some reason, niceness just isn't my goal anymore.

When I left my job as a children's pastor, I was really angry at the church. I was fed up with so much, some of which I still can't even name. I think I decided that being nice was for the birds. I wanted to be real instead. And for me, being "real" meant not being nice all of the time.

But now I'm coming back around. I've been out of the church business (as a full time participant) for almost two years. And I want to learn how to be real and be nice at the same time.

I have a ways to go. Just ask the people around me that I haven't been nice to...

(Yes, I am aware of the dangling preposition. It just seemed to flow better with it!)

Self-realization...

I love being alone. On the Myers-Briggs scale, I am an "I" all the way. "Introverted" in the sense that I get energized by being alone.

That's why my new job is such a cherry. I get to sit in a very large office space. All alone. All day. Every day. Well, almost every day.

So that's why it was such a shock today to realize that maybe, just maybe, I needed a little human contact to stay, well...sane.

It's not that I'm talking to myself (I am) or singing to myself (I am) or calling myself names (I'm doing that, too). I realized today that void of human contact, I am starting to be concerned, I would say overly concerned, that others don't like me. HA! No one even knows me! I talk to people via email for all of two or three lines at a time, and I'm concerned that they don't like me? I've even started adding smiley faces to my emails to make sure my tone sounds cheery.

Seriously, I had no idea this would happen.

So I tried to snap myself out of it today with a few "get over its" and "get a lifes." Hopefully acknowledging that I have a "problem" is half the battle.

And here I though being alone would be good for me! :)

How odd...

The month headings on my archived posts are in Spanish...

What could it mean?

Trying to Jumpstart the blog...

It's trying to start the habit of semi-daily blogging again! Just when I got over the pressure to have something meaningful to say every time I logged on, I got all busy with finishing grad school. Thankfully, if I've learned anything from my exploration of theology, it's that I feel comfortable letting go of the need for meaning. Ha ha.

Well, I finally got the diploma in the mail yesterday (hallelujah!) and I'm ready to get on with my life. So I'm trying to get back on the blog circuit, writing and reading, participating in e-life.

It's just I can't think of much to say right now. So I'll just share a little slice of my life today...entitled "What I Brought Home from my Parents' House."

Unlike many others, I did not take much out of my bedroom when I left my parents' house. But I have slowly seen my mom's clothes take over my old closets, so I'm getting the hint. "It's been twenty years, get your junk out of my house." :)

So this is what I brought home today:

1. My Yearbooks - one from grade school, two from middle school, four from high school and one from college. (I stopped purchasing the ones from UK--too many people I didn't know!)

2. Twenty-two Trixie Belden books--my whole collection. I'm not sure if any more were published. I really loved these as a kid, much much more than Nancy Drew.

3. Some old pictures - sorority, Chrysalis, Emmaus, Lake Junaluska...all pictures of an "old" life.

4. Three really cool coloring books that are practically unused. I didn't want to "ruin" them so I never started them. I'm buying some cool markers tomorrow.

5. My microscope and collection of 48 prepared slides. This will give my husband something to do this summer while he's off work.

6. Last but not least, my copy of How to Eat Fried Worms. I think I saw a preview for a movie of this book, and I wanted to read it again (and have Robbie read it) before we see it. A kid's book, but I really loved reading as a child and it brings back such good memories. I actually spent most of my allowance on books at the "Little Professor" book store.

AND...my brand new set of Harry Potter books should be arriving from Borders any day now! I haven't read ANY of them. Now that I'm done with school, I'm going to enjoy them! I hope to read them before the last book comes out.

Did I mention I love to read?

All Hail Obi Wan Kenobi...

All Hail Obi Wan Kenobi...
Originally uploaded by megnet77

My nephew arranged all of the Star Wars action figures around Obi Wan and had them chanting "All hail Obi Wan Kenobi" until his dad said, "If you say that ONE more time..."

This is what I woke up singing...

I love this song...but how odd that this is what woke me up early today!

June! A new leaf...

Today I finally finished my degree! It's late, and I don't have a lot on my mind other than sleep right now, but I wanted to update my blog for the first time in MONTHS and start the good habit of writing frequently on my blog.

I look forward to catching up on other blogs, too.

I, Margaret, do solemnly promise to blog more often...and hope that my brain does not turn to mush now that I am not in grad school anymore!

Hopefully I can find something interesting to jot down occasionally.

First...sleep.

See you tomorrow!

"May"--what I 'may' do...

I was able to do some writing on my final paper today, and I'm starting to get really excited about graduation. May 19.

I'm looking forward to being able to do nothing...or anything else I want to do!

So here are a few things that I might do starting after I walk off the stage on May 19 with my diploma in hand:

1. Get a dog. A beagle, like Porthos on Enterprise. I've never had a pet, but for some reason I can't get enough of that dog.

2. OR...get two cats. They don't need as much attention, and two of them could keep each other company.

3. EXERCISE. I can't wait to get back into shape--no, I want to get into amazing ROCKING shape, a shape I've never been before!!!! Running, the gym, weights, and some interesting dance classes...I'm so ready for this. By the time I turn forty I want to feel GREAT.

4. Sing. I really think I'm going to do it this time...get my guitar and a friend or two with hand percussion and get out there.

5. OR...act. I think community theater is where I might try that out.

6. Get my voice over career on going. I've done a few commercials locally (all pro bono, ha ha) and really enjoy that. So in my "spare" time, maybe I'll get recording.

7. Fix up my yard. Woah...maybe that's a bit too much.

CAN'T WAIT FOR UNLIMITED FREE TIME WITH NOTHING PENDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Last but not Least (Jesus Video #4)

Enjoy!

This is my favorite one...(Jesus video #3)

This is the one that makes me laugh the most. I love what it says about the idea of sin.

Anyone up for a discussion?

Enjoy!

Football! (Jesus Video #2)

Number two in the four part series...ha ha!

Any thoughts? Historical Jesus versus religious Jesus/church Jesus?

I think Jesus would laugh, too...

I was watching these videos again today, and they always make me laugh. Though I'd share them, just in case you hadn't seen them yet.

I'll post the others soon. Enjoy!

P.S. I'd love to talk about what these videos make you think about...

Wrestling in the Mud...

I'm trying to write an essay about the "key christological teachings stemming from the Council of Chalcedon" and how that doctrine affected the doctrines of the human person and soteriology.

This is for my Christian Doctrine I class, oddly enough the last class I will take before (hopefully) receiving my degree. Odd because I'm studying the development of Christian doctrine from ground zero.

I'm glad I'm studying it now. I feel much more equipped to wrestle in the mud with these ideas then I would have at the beginning of my time in grad school. And I'm enjoying the process so much more than I would have before I knew the lingo. Oh yes, theology is really just a fancy language that some people choose to learn to speak. But this fancy language just describes what most people wrestle with in one way or another.

I like being able to speak both languages; it's handy. But when it comes right down to it, I think I want to be a translator. A go-between for the common man and the theologian. Because both types can learn something from the other. A worthy calling that I think I'll say 'yes' to...

Help!

Help!
Originally uploaded by megnet77.

This is not a very clear photo of my dying African violet, but I was hoping someone might be able to help my save it.

The leaves keep falling off and it is very, very moist despite the fact that i have not been watering it! I watered it at first, (from the bottom) but it was never dry, and I didn't want to drown it.

Now the stems are very swollen and, well, wet...and they keep falling off! Please help me save this!

The need to post...

I feel compelled to get on here and post, even though I don't have any burning, well-rounded thoughts to share. (Not that I've had any of those lately: see last few posts!) I guess I'll just free write to make sure my blog doesn't feel ignored...

I feel a lot of stress right now because of my looming graduation date. I really want to graduate on time, and my final paper is not finished, barely started really. I think if I can carve out a little time soon, I will feel loads better. Here's hoping I can do that.

Work is both really good and not really good. Some days I think, "Yes, managing a store is the next thing I want to do! I enjoy these people." Other days, I think, "Oh my word, there is no way I can manage these people! People are so...complex and troubling. Fun, some days, but a lot of trouble other days. How will I ever manage them and keep my composure?" So I go back and forth with staying here in management training.

Class was really good last night. I'm in a survey of Christian doctrine, starting from ground zero. We hit a tangent last night, a little side note about the idea of sacramental marriage. I decided that we have one of those. And it made me smile right there in class.

I wish I knew what I wanted to do when I grow up. One of my partners at the store mentioned once that I should be a life coach. I'm not even sure what they do, but the sound of it was like hearing a favorite song that you haven't heard in a long time. How on earth do you get started at that? I'd also like to do something on radio or television. What in the world would that be? No idea. I just feel like I have a whole lot of untapped potential that needs to be used in a big and wide-spread way. (I hate seeing that in print. Perhaps I just have an unchecked ego? Yuck...) In the spirit of being honest, I won't delete the last few sentences of this free write...

And last, because I have to get off here and do some reading for grad school, a partner asked me about my faith yesterday. Right at work. He was wondering how leaving the ministry had affected it. I guess he may have been asking why I left the church (though I still attend, just don't work for them anymore). It was nothing I mind talking about, but nothing I could talk about that succinctly at work. I need to come up with a more concise answer, I guess. I wonder--do I give the same answer every time I'm asked?

So, what's on your mind today?

Ten Things I Want Today...

10. Time off--without homework.
9. To be interested in my schoolwork again.
8. To be finished with my final paper.
7. To be warm.
6. To rein in my sphere of relationships without hurting anyone's feelings.
5. To figure out my next steps, and be excited about them.
4. To be discovered for my abilities.
3. A hot cup of tea.
2. For everyone to be happy and get along.

And the number one thing I want today:

1. More time...

I think I'll go make myself a hot cup of tea.

What are the top ten things you want today?

Top Ten Things I Do Instead of Studying...

I can't believe I can't be more disciplined!!! Here are the top ten things I do when I am procrastinating:

10. Write on my blog.
9. Check out facebook.
8. Go to Kakuro.com (Thankfully there's only one puzzle a day, so this is a brief distraction!)
7. Nap.
6. Eat...anything.
5. Brew green tea.
4. Drink green tea.
3. Sort drawers.
2. Watch THS or re-runs...of anything.

And the number one thing I do when I should be studying...

1. LAUNDRY!!!

I am obsessed with laundry!
Now...it's time to get back to studying.

Scrubs as Peanuts...

I know it's after the Christmas season, but I started thinking about this video again today and I thought "I ought to share it with others!"

If you love Scrubs as much as I do, you'll be rolling on the floor. (Caution: Peanuts purists may be offended, so use your best judgment--enjoy!)

Is it Groundhog Day?

It's one of those times when I feel unable to focus on anything that really needs it. Sure, I can spend time cleaning out my spare room, doing a little bit of reorganizing...but I can't seem to complete the task.

Laundry is the only thing I complete from beginning to end, but laundry just begins again the next day. Kind of like "Groundhog Day."

Maybe I'm like Bill Murray's character at the beginning of the movie. I'm still wasting my time, trying out things.

All I know is that it's very tiring, mentally and physically, to not be able to focus on things that need attention, like my final paper for grad school or my homework for next week. Or even dusting.

I'm sure it's just a phase, but I hope I push through it soon. Before I decide to stop grooming.

My name is...

HowManyOfMe.com

There are: 184 people with my name in the U.S.A. How many have your name?

I saw this on Matt's blog and thought it was fun! How many people share your name?

Strangely enough, my maiden name, which I thought was more uncommon, had 230 other owners. (And there are only 8 people with my husband's name! He's very uncommon!)

The Church and the Klan...

I watched the last fifteen minutes of "The Chamber" last night. It's a movie based on John Grisham's novel about a lawyer who ends up defending his grandfather, who is a member of the KKK. I haven't seen it before, and if I read the book it was years ago, so the only thing that stuck out about the last fifteen minutes (SPOILER ALERT) was the remorse for his KKK beliefs that the grandfather seemed to express during the last few moments of his life as he prepared for the gas chamber.

As I was sitting in church this morning listening to the sermon, my brain made an odd connection between this scene and the church. There is a segment of the Christian church, some might call it "fundamentalist," that believes in Christ to the exclusion of all other ideas or religions. The buck is passed to Jesus on this, often quoting the words he was purported to have said, "I am the way, the truth and the life; no one comes to the Father except through me." While Christianity is supposed to be a religion of love, I wonder about the effect of deeply held beliefs such as the interpretation of this verse from the gospel of John. I also wonder if other people ever question this...

My connection was this: I wonder if, at the end of their life, any deeply fundamentalist Christian--or Muslim, or Jew--who has believed strongly in their "rightness" over the "wrongness" of the others will experience the remorse that the fictional Klan member in "The Chamber" faced? Many would say that the Klan was all about hate--hate for those who are different. Though it is sugar-coated in love language, and it provides an exemption clause for anyone who is willing to convert, is fundamental Christianity (or any fundamental religious group) any different?

If a picture is worth a thousand words...

then I don't feel quite so bad about my blog right now.

I started a new blog, Margaret365, that is a picture blog. I am trying to take one picture a day and post it with a little blurb. I have never really been a picture person, but something about the challenge of a picture a day sounded appealing.

I have been surprised how much energy trying to see my life in pictures has given me. So far I've been really excited about it, and it has been meaningful. None of my pictures are visually stunning, or even that interesting, but it has been really fulfilling for me for some reason I can't put my finger on...

So the fact that I can't find words to write about much on this blog right now doesn't bother me as much as it has in the past. Maybe the five thousand words on my picture blog (as of January 5!) are enough right now.

And learning to be content with who I am is a great thing for me to be working on...

I'm not a nerd!

Okay, so maybe I'm a little bit nerdier than this...if I think real hard I might know my IP address by heart.

What about you?

(Thanks for the link, Matt!)

2007: The Year of the Do-Over…

The Do-Over: It’s a concept that my husband Robbie talks about a lot. As a guidance counselor and a general student of human nature, Robbie believes that people sometimes get to a place in life that is so difficult that they want a do-over.

I can remember the do-over from childhood. While playing a game with friends, if your first attempt at something was not so spectacular, you would call out “Do over!” And if your friends were kind—or if they owed you one—they might allow you to try it again without a penalty. (I have heard this called a “mulligan” in the world of golfers who are loose with the rules.)

And it was great to have the opportunity to do it again, to not have the first try count against your score. I don’t personally believe that we are keeping score in life, at least I’m not trying to keep score anymore; but it does seem that the do-over is a popular idea.

Divorce can be one example of the do-over for adults. Sometimes we get into such a challenging time in a relationship that we would rather not face it. It may be the consequences of our actions—perhaps we have cheated on our spouse, or our spouse has cheated on us, and we don’t want to have to deal with the hurt feelings. And maybe even more than the hurt feelings, we don’t want to have to deal with our memories.

We rarely forget things in life that are painful. Combine that with our human pride that may propel us to strive for the appearance of not being at fault and there you have it: the Do-Over. If we have caused another person pain that is not likely to be forgotten, rather than be reminded of our shortcomings (and dealing with the relationship-repair work) we may just decide to cry out “Do over!” and choose the divorce route.

This is not a commentary on divorce. Though I’m thankful to be happily married, I have no stones to throw in the divorce arena. I have watched friends and family struggle with the difficulties of life before, during and after divorce, and there seems to be joy and heartache on every road that people choose. I began thinking about the do-over today in the shower, after I realized that I had started a list of New Year’s Resolutions without even meaning to do so.

I am not even a New Year’s Resolution kind of girl. I think you can start a new habit any time you want. I have also seen a lot of well-intentioned resolution makers break their habits so quickly it would make your head spin, so I suppose I’m a little cynical about the effectiveness of the New Year Resolution. But for some reason, January 1, 2007, has brought to mind all kinds of habits I’d like to renew: I want to work out more. I want to eat better. This will be the year I write every day. On and on…

None of these habits are particularly new. They are just currently not habitual in my life. So maybe I’m looking for a do-over, some magical day when I can re-start all my habits and they will actually take root in my life as though I’ve always been a disciplined—and perfect—person.
What is it about the do-over? The appeal is certain, and even religion reflects it: Christianity in some of its present incarnations seems to be the ultimate do-over.

Many more thoughts on Christianity as the religion of the "do-over"...they'll have to wait until next time.