Why I run...(the strenuous exercise, not the coping mechanism)

Or perhaps the better title might be "Why do I run?"

I just returned from a short run, just 2 or so miles. It's the first one I've done in a while (except for the "runs" on my Wii Fit). I found myself asking the question "Why am I doing this?!?" several times during my brief flirt with exercise today.

Do I want to be physically fit? Sure.

Do I want to live longer? Yes.

Do I want to be able to eat a box of macaroni and cheese every once in a while? Probably closer to the truth.

But knowing that I am, ahem, "complicated," I figured that there were layers of reasons for the running.

Yes, I have experienced that sense of euphoria that kicks in on a longer run. "Runner's high" is a powerful drug. (Though I've wondered if that sense of euphoria is actually your common sense giving up and saying, "Fine, if you want to keep doing this to your body, go right ahead, but your good judgment and I are going out for a drink. We'll catch up to you when you're done with this business.")

Sometimes I even enjoy the occasional sore muscle that reminds me I did something active a day or two ago.

But when it comes right down to it, I think I must enjoy doing something that a lot of other people just won't do. I punish my body by running because I think that other people would look at me and say, "Whatever. Better you than me." It's a pretty healthy choice for this type of behavior. At least I'm not trying to act out in some unhealthy way (though perhaps that might be more fun). Even though I don't broadcast that I run, the knowledge that I do gives me some weird sense of otherness that I crave. Standing in a crowd of people somewhere, I'll think "Yeah, I ran today. Without anyone chasing me. How many of you can say that?" And in the crowds I stand in, odds are good: not many of them.

Oh, I know there are a lot of serious runners out there. I admire them. I just don't know many of them, or hang out with people who do. I'd like to think I'll get there one day. But I'll probably just keep it under 10 miles and go make some mac and cheese. The blue box, please.

Yes, I probably need (more) therapy.