Wednesday Haiku

Under the covers

I still cannot escape from

the world in my head.

Loitering with Intent

It's been a while. A lot of changes since my last blog...

I'm between careers. I'm between churches. I have aged into another decade bracket.

Although I manage to keep busy every day, my answer to the oft-asked questions "What do you do?" or "What are you doing these days?" is both complicated and simple: Nothing. And lots of stuff.

My spiritual director suggested that I tell people I am "loitering with intent." Intending to do what, I'm not sure. But I am trying to be vigilant about listening for direction. In the middle of doing nothing. And lots of stuff.

Some days I think I'll learn to draw. Or finish writing the book on my computer. Some days I just work on my kirigami calendar and finish a NY Times crossword. Sometimes I do a lot of laundry and cook. Sometimes I read. Some times I just watch reruns of Desperate Housewives...

I have spent some time looking for employment. But (thankfully with the blessing of my somewhat-gainfully employed spouse) I've decided that I'm going to wait until I'm not stressed about the money before I started earning it again. We'll see if I can manage to get there.

In any case, here I am...attempting to "loiter with intent." I have found that, amidst the laundry and the cooking, the kirigami and the puzzles, my mind seems to have a lot more space. And my heart seems to have a lot more peace. Not sure if this is the result of losing my job (or my church)...but it is interesting.

If you have any thoughts, feel free to share. You never know where the next direction is going to come from...

Unable to write more than once a month...

I don't know if I just don't think that much, or don't value what I do think enough to put it in print.

Or maybe I'm afraid of what people will read in, or read into, my words.

Things have been busy, despite the fact that I signed on a couple months ago for a "normal" desk job (9 to 5ish, M-F) and am no longer in grad school ('cause I FINISHED, yeah!).

I drove over to a place in Cinci today that I found online. It was a boxing studio. I was really interested in seeing it, thinking I might take up boxing for fun and amusement. The place looked a little sketchy (and I'm not usually one who cares, I kind of like sketchy) and there was a "Closed" sign on the door. So no boxing for me today.

I've got to find something to do to get in shape before the big 4-0. I just don't want to ooze into the next decade; I'd like to run into it with no jiggling, at least no arm or thigh jiggling. I can't find my "thing" and I've looked in several various and interesting places. Suggestions are welcome, especially from locals who have a really good thought...

And while I'm on the subject of jiggling, I'm totally letting my mind go to waste. I mean, how many gossip blogs can you read before you turn into mush? What up? They are ALL THE SAME. And yet I can't look away. Help me! Anything with more substance just doesn't entertain me...

SO, I'll try to be back before September hits. If I can just convince myself to log off Snarky Gossip...

Later!

Not satisfied...

I have recently realized (again) that I am just not satisfied with myself--with anything about myself. It may be a phase (I've certainly been through this before) or it may just be who I am. Which will be a very disappointing life unless I can figure out what to do about it.

When I was younger, not being satisfied meant that I could push myself harder and get great results. But I still don't feel like I've achieved anything worthwhile with my life, and time, as they say, is of the essence.

So sometimes I wonder: What is it going to take to actually be satisfied with myself?

On being nice...

What does it mean to be nice? I mean, really?

I used to think I was a nice person. Actually, I used to think that others thought I was a nice person. Deep down, I knew that I wasn't as nice as I appeared to be. And it was a lot of work trying to be nice all of the time. But for some reason I felt compelled to be considered a nice person. I really wanted, no needed people to think that I was really nice.

Not to say that I didn't have moments of genuinely being nice. I still do. But for some reason, niceness just isn't my goal anymore.

When I left my job as a children's pastor, I was really angry at the church. I was fed up with so much, some of which I still can't even name. I think I decided that being nice was for the birds. I wanted to be real instead. And for me, being "real" meant not being nice all of the time.

But now I'm coming back around. I've been out of the church business (as a full time participant) for almost two years. And I want to learn how to be real and be nice at the same time.

I have a ways to go. Just ask the people around me that I haven't been nice to...

(Yes, I am aware of the dangling preposition. It just seemed to flow better with it!)

Self-realization...

I love being alone. On the Myers-Briggs scale, I am an "I" all the way. "Introverted" in the sense that I get energized by being alone.

That's why my new job is such a cherry. I get to sit in a very large office space. All alone. All day. Every day. Well, almost every day.

So that's why it was such a shock today to realize that maybe, just maybe, I needed a little human contact to stay, well...sane.

It's not that I'm talking to myself (I am) or singing to myself (I am) or calling myself names (I'm doing that, too). I realized today that void of human contact, I am starting to be concerned, I would say overly concerned, that others don't like me. HA! No one even knows me! I talk to people via email for all of two or three lines at a time, and I'm concerned that they don't like me? I've even started adding smiley faces to my emails to make sure my tone sounds cheery.

Seriously, I had no idea this would happen.

So I tried to snap myself out of it today with a few "get over its" and "get a lifes." Hopefully acknowledging that I have a "problem" is half the battle.

And here I though being alone would be good for me! :)

How odd...

The month headings on my archived posts are in Spanish...

What could it mean?

Trying to Jumpstart the blog...

It's trying to start the habit of semi-daily blogging again! Just when I got over the pressure to have something meaningful to say every time I logged on, I got all busy with finishing grad school. Thankfully, if I've learned anything from my exploration of theology, it's that I feel comfortable letting go of the need for meaning. Ha ha.

Well, I finally got the diploma in the mail yesterday (hallelujah!) and I'm ready to get on with my life. So I'm trying to get back on the blog circuit, writing and reading, participating in e-life.

It's just I can't think of much to say right now. So I'll just share a little slice of my life today...entitled "What I Brought Home from my Parents' House."

Unlike many others, I did not take much out of my bedroom when I left my parents' house. But I have slowly seen my mom's clothes take over my old closets, so I'm getting the hint. "It's been twenty years, get your junk out of my house." :)

So this is what I brought home today:

1. My Yearbooks - one from grade school, two from middle school, four from high school and one from college. (I stopped purchasing the ones from UK--too many people I didn't know!)

2. Twenty-two Trixie Belden books--my whole collection. I'm not sure if any more were published. I really loved these as a kid, much much more than Nancy Drew.

3. Some old pictures - sorority, Chrysalis, Emmaus, Lake Junaluska...all pictures of an "old" life.

4. Three really cool coloring books that are practically unused. I didn't want to "ruin" them so I never started them. I'm buying some cool markers tomorrow.

5. My microscope and collection of 48 prepared slides. This will give my husband something to do this summer while he's off work.

6. Last but not least, my copy of How to Eat Fried Worms. I think I saw a preview for a movie of this book, and I wanted to read it again (and have Robbie read it) before we see it. A kid's book, but I really loved reading as a child and it brings back such good memories. I actually spent most of my allowance on books at the "Little Professor" book store.

AND...my brand new set of Harry Potter books should be arriving from Borders any day now! I haven't read ANY of them. Now that I'm done with school, I'm going to enjoy them! I hope to read them before the last book comes out.

Did I mention I love to read?

All Hail Obi Wan Kenobi...

All Hail Obi Wan Kenobi...
Originally uploaded by megnet77

My nephew arranged all of the Star Wars action figures around Obi Wan and had them chanting "All hail Obi Wan Kenobi" until his dad said, "If you say that ONE more time..."

This is what I woke up singing...

I love this song...but how odd that this is what woke me up early today!

June! A new leaf...

Today I finally finished my degree! It's late, and I don't have a lot on my mind other than sleep right now, but I wanted to update my blog for the first time in MONTHS and start the good habit of writing frequently on my blog.

I look forward to catching up on other blogs, too.

I, Margaret, do solemnly promise to blog more often...and hope that my brain does not turn to mush now that I am not in grad school anymore!

Hopefully I can find something interesting to jot down occasionally.

First...sleep.

See you tomorrow!

"May"--what I 'may' do...

I was able to do some writing on my final paper today, and I'm starting to get really excited about graduation. May 19.

I'm looking forward to being able to do nothing...or anything else I want to do!

So here are a few things that I might do starting after I walk off the stage on May 19 with my diploma in hand:

1. Get a dog. A beagle, like Porthos on Enterprise. I've never had a pet, but for some reason I can't get enough of that dog.

2. OR...get two cats. They don't need as much attention, and two of them could keep each other company.

3. EXERCISE. I can't wait to get back into shape--no, I want to get into amazing ROCKING shape, a shape I've never been before!!!! Running, the gym, weights, and some interesting dance classes...I'm so ready for this. By the time I turn forty I want to feel GREAT.

4. Sing. I really think I'm going to do it this time...get my guitar and a friend or two with hand percussion and get out there.

5. OR...act. I think community theater is where I might try that out.

6. Get my voice over career on going. I've done a few commercials locally (all pro bono, ha ha) and really enjoy that. So in my "spare" time, maybe I'll get recording.

7. Fix up my yard. Woah...maybe that's a bit too much.

CAN'T WAIT FOR UNLIMITED FREE TIME WITH NOTHING PENDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Last but not Least (Jesus Video #4)

Enjoy!

This is my favorite one...(Jesus video #3)

This is the one that makes me laugh the most. I love what it says about the idea of sin.

Anyone up for a discussion?

Enjoy!

Football! (Jesus Video #2)

Number two in the four part series...ha ha!

Any thoughts? Historical Jesus versus religious Jesus/church Jesus?

I think Jesus would laugh, too...

I was watching these videos again today, and they always make me laugh. Though I'd share them, just in case you hadn't seen them yet.

I'll post the others soon. Enjoy!

P.S. I'd love to talk about what these videos make you think about...

Wrestling in the Mud...

I'm trying to write an essay about the "key christological teachings stemming from the Council of Chalcedon" and how that doctrine affected the doctrines of the human person and soteriology.

This is for my Christian Doctrine I class, oddly enough the last class I will take before (hopefully) receiving my degree. Odd because I'm studying the development of Christian doctrine from ground zero.

I'm glad I'm studying it now. I feel much more equipped to wrestle in the mud with these ideas then I would have at the beginning of my time in grad school. And I'm enjoying the process so much more than I would have before I knew the lingo. Oh yes, theology is really just a fancy language that some people choose to learn to speak. But this fancy language just describes what most people wrestle with in one way or another.

I like being able to speak both languages; it's handy. But when it comes right down to it, I think I want to be a translator. A go-between for the common man and the theologian. Because both types can learn something from the other. A worthy calling that I think I'll say 'yes' to...

Help!

Help!
Originally uploaded by megnet77.

This is not a very clear photo of my dying African violet, but I was hoping someone might be able to help my save it.

The leaves keep falling off and it is very, very moist despite the fact that i have not been watering it! I watered it at first, (from the bottom) but it was never dry, and I didn't want to drown it.

Now the stems are very swollen and, well, wet...and they keep falling off! Please help me save this!

The need to post...

I feel compelled to get on here and post, even though I don't have any burning, well-rounded thoughts to share. (Not that I've had any of those lately: see last few posts!) I guess I'll just free write to make sure my blog doesn't feel ignored...

I feel a lot of stress right now because of my looming graduation date. I really want to graduate on time, and my final paper is not finished, barely started really. I think if I can carve out a little time soon, I will feel loads better. Here's hoping I can do that.

Work is both really good and not really good. Some days I think, "Yes, managing a store is the next thing I want to do! I enjoy these people." Other days, I think, "Oh my word, there is no way I can manage these people! People are so...complex and troubling. Fun, some days, but a lot of trouble other days. How will I ever manage them and keep my composure?" So I go back and forth with staying here in management training.

Class was really good last night. I'm in a survey of Christian doctrine, starting from ground zero. We hit a tangent last night, a little side note about the idea of sacramental marriage. I decided that we have one of those. And it made me smile right there in class.

I wish I knew what I wanted to do when I grow up. One of my partners at the store mentioned once that I should be a life coach. I'm not even sure what they do, but the sound of it was like hearing a favorite song that you haven't heard in a long time. How on earth do you get started at that? I'd also like to do something on radio or television. What in the world would that be? No idea. I just feel like I have a whole lot of untapped potential that needs to be used in a big and wide-spread way. (I hate seeing that in print. Perhaps I just have an unchecked ego? Yuck...) In the spirit of being honest, I won't delete the last few sentences of this free write...

And last, because I have to get off here and do some reading for grad school, a partner asked me about my faith yesterday. Right at work. He was wondering how leaving the ministry had affected it. I guess he may have been asking why I left the church (though I still attend, just don't work for them anymore). It was nothing I mind talking about, but nothing I could talk about that succinctly at work. I need to come up with a more concise answer, I guess. I wonder--do I give the same answer every time I'm asked?

So, what's on your mind today?

Ten Things I Want Today...

10. Time off--without homework.
9. To be interested in my schoolwork again.
8. To be finished with my final paper.
7. To be warm.
6. To rein in my sphere of relationships without hurting anyone's feelings.
5. To figure out my next steps, and be excited about them.
4. To be discovered for my abilities.
3. A hot cup of tea.
2. For everyone to be happy and get along.

And the number one thing I want today:

1. More time...

I think I'll go make myself a hot cup of tea.

What are the top ten things you want today?