Margaret's Thought Spot

The Word Re-Written

2011-02-01T21:08:00.003-05:00

Our assignment was to re-write the parable of the ten virgins in "modern" (post-modern?) language. So fun!

Matthew 25:1-13

The Kingdom of Heaven will be like the launch of an amazing new app for IPhone. Ten friends brought their IPhones and met at a coffee house, waiting for the app to launch. As they waited, they played Angry Birds.

They played late into the night, draining batteries left and right. When the announcement was finally made--the app launch is here!--5 friends pulled out their chargers to plug in their IPhones.

"Let us borrow your cords!" the other 5 said.

"We can't share, we don't want to miss the download!"

The friends went home to get their chargers, but when they went to get the app, the window to get it for free was over. They called tech support, but were told, "Sorry, you missed the opportunity."

Therefore, keep charged, for you don't know when a free app opportunity might come along.

Writing Groups?

2011-01-04T11:33:00.002-05:00

Thinking about writing groups. Anyone have any experience with one?

I am starting a closed group this week, something I'm calling "therapeutic writing group" or "healing writing group." Still working it out. There will just be three of us (at the mo). I am interested to see how the process works.

I have also purchased three books about writing groups. I am intrigued, and may start another one, along the lines of a creative writing group.

Something may be brewing...I'll try to keep you posted.

Church Buildings...

2010-09-17T14:05:00.002-05:00

I'm thinking that church buildings should probably be sold and all the money given to feed and care for those in other countries who are in need. So many church buildings are only used once or twice a week, and often for very small groups. If these groups would just meet in homes, or find a community space like a library or community center (which often aren't in use on Sunday mornings or evenings), they wouldn't even need their building.

And that would put the salt back out in the world where it belongs. Instead of stuck in the shaker where it's not doing anyone any good.

Aldersgate Camp. Wow.

2010-08-02T13:47:00.002-05:00

Just back from a week in Fitchburg. Wow.

Words can't describe the extreme highs and lows of the week. Well, highs were extreme. Lows were...just low.

For those of you unable to attend, sorry you missed my performance of Irene Cara's "Flashdance: What a Feeling." DANCE performance. That was a once in a lifetime thing...sorry you have missed out. There might be a random video out there, hoping no one will think to post it...

Pray for my campers...new commitments to their spiritual journey for almost all of them. Firsts, seconds, all important.

What a feeling.

2 years and counting...

2010-06-12T10:53:00.002-05:00

Still trying to find healing, closure, whatever you want to call it. It's been 2 years now, and I'm still reeling from the pain. Sometimes my heart hurts so bad I can't think straight.

I've tried everything I can think of to work through this loss. I can't even think of what else I could possibly pray to find healing. Waiting, moving, forgiving (or trying to forgive?), working through my hurt and anger...I can't believe how long this has held on. I have not a clue what to do about it.

I love the rain.

2010-06-09T14:16:00.000-05:00

It means I can skip watering my plants.

You know it's Monday when...

2010-03-01T12:58:00.001-05:00

Your hot water heater goes out. Before your shower.

Confession...about Frozen Burritos

2010-02-21T19:43:00.003-05:00

I admit it. I have some weird attraction to frozen burritos. I can go for months without having one, but then the craving hits and I just can't stop thinking about them. Even though they are terrible in so many ways: terrible for your health, terrible tasting...just terrible. Obviously it is some kind of addiction.

Then yesterday I had an epiphany. I had tried making my own burritos before, but they just didn't satisfy the craving for the frozen burrito. Something clicked yesterday, though.

I took a can of pinto beans, drained them, and threw them in the food processor with half of can of tomatoes (the kind with some green chiles added). I'm just going to keep this mixture in the fridge, and when the craving hits, I'll throw a couple of spoonfuls on a tortilla, add a little cheese, and microwave.

I tried one yesterday, and they are GOOD. Surprisingly good. They satisfied my craving, and are probably a new addiction of their own. Thankfully I found some amazing tortillas with 12 (yes I said 12) grams of fiber, 8 grams of protein and only 70 calories each.

Nothing better than a healthy bean burrito. Including a frozen burrito.

I have really turned a corner here.

So 2008...

2010-02-15T12:01:00.002-05:00

Blogs are so 2008. At least that was the last time I posted anything on mine...

Remember Haiti...

2010-01-17T18:15:00.001-05:00

Money. Stuff. Prayers. Thoughts.

Mindfulness.

Best of the Worst?

2009-04-01T22:09:00.001-05:00

While I was running today (pant, pant, when will this get any easier?!?), I thought, "I've got to be the worst runner ever."

Then I thought about all the people who don't run. And I cut myself some slack. Perhaps, I thought, I might be a better runner than people who don't normally run.

That made me feel a little better about it. Pant, pant.

Praying the Hours

2009-03-14T07:55:00.002-05:00

I just ordered the whole set of Phyllis Tickle's The Divine Hours books. Not sure how I feel about 'praying the hours' yet, but I'm open to giving it a try.

Do you participate in praying the hours, or some similar practice?

Hypertension...

2009-03-04T12:46:00.000-05:00

Donuts don't have a lot of salt, do they?

James Dobson Steps Down

2009-02-28T13:15:00.002-05:00

Julie Bogart: How I remember James Dobson

(A link to a great post by Julie Bogart)

Why I run...(the strenuous exercise, not the coping mechanism)

2009-02-25T13:53:00.003-05:00

Or perhaps the better title might be "Why do I run?"

I just returned from a short run, just 2 or so miles. It's the first one I've done in a while (except for the "runs" on my Wii Fit). I found myself asking the question "Why am I doing this?!?" several times during my brief flirt with exercise today.

Do I want to be physically fit? Sure.

Do I want to live longer? Yes.

Do I want to be able to eat a box of macaroni and cheese every once in a while? Probably closer to the truth.

But knowing that I am, ahem, "complicated," I figured that there were layers of reasons for the running.

Yes, I have experienced that sense of euphoria that kicks in on a longer run. "Runner's high" is a powerful drug. (Though I've wondered if that sense of euphoria is actually your common sense giving up and saying, "Fine, if you want to keep doing this to your body, go right ahead, but your good judgment and I are going out for a drink. We'll catch up to you when you're done with this business.")

Sometimes I even enjoy the occasional sore muscle that reminds me I did something active a day or two ago.

But when it comes right down to it, I think I must enjoy doing something that a lot of other people just won't do. I punish my body by running because I think that other people would look at me and say, "Whatever. Better you than me." It's a pretty healthy choice for this type of behavior. At least I'm not trying to act out in some unhealthy way (though perhaps that might be more fun). Even though I don't broadcast that I run, the knowledge that I do gives me some weird sense of otherness that I crave. Standing in a crowd of people somewhere, I'll think "Yeah, I ran today. Without anyone chasing me. How many of you can say that?" And in the crowds I stand in, odds are good: not many of them.

Oh, I know there are a lot of serious runners out there. I admire them. I just don't know many of them, or hang out with people who do. I'd like to think I'll get there one day. But I'll probably just keep it under 10 miles and go make some mac and cheese. The blue box, please.

Yes, I probably need (more) therapy.

Saturday Haiku

2009-02-15T18:39:00.002-05:00

See that little boy?

Children are just adults who

don't have brakes installed.

Wednesday Haiku

2009-02-11T08:18:00.002-05:00

Under the covers

I still cannot escape from

the world in my head.

Loitering with Intent

2009-01-27T18:05:00.003-05:00

It's been a while. A lot of changes since my last blog...

I'm between careers. I'm between churches. I have aged into another decade bracket.

Although I manage to keep busy every day, my answer to the oft-asked questions "What do you do?" or "What are you doing these days?" is both complicated and simple: Nothing. And lots of stuff.

My spiritual director suggested that I tell people I am "loitering with intent." Intending to do what, I'm not sure. But I am trying to be vigilant about listening for direction. In the middle of doing nothing. And lots of stuff.

Some days I think I'll learn to draw. Or finish writing the book on my computer. Some days I just work on my kirigami calendar and finish a NY Times crossword. Sometimes I do a lot of laundry and cook. Sometimes I read. Some times I just watch reruns of Desperate Housewives...

I have spent some time looking for employment. But (thankfully with the blessing of my somewhat-gainfully employed spouse) I've decided that I'm going to wait until I'm not stressed about the money before I started earning it again. We'll see if I can manage to get there.

In any case, here I am...attempting to "loiter with intent." I have found that, amidst the laundry and the cooking, the kirigami and the puzzles, my mind seems to have a lot more space. And my heart seems to have a lot more peace. Not sure if this is the result of losing my job (or my church)...but it is interesting.

If you have any thoughts, feel free to share. You never know where the next direction is going to come from...

Unable to write more than once a month...

2007-08-22T21:06:00.000-05:00

I don't know if I just don't think that much, or don't value what I do think enough to put it in print.

Or maybe I'm afraid of what people will read in, or read into, my words.

Things have been busy, despite the fact that I signed on a couple months ago for a "normal" desk job (9 to 5ish, M-F) and am no longer in grad school ('cause I FINISHED, yeah!).

I drove over to a place in Cinci today that I found online. It was a boxing studio. I was really interested in seeing it, thinking I might take up boxing for fun and amusement. The place looked a little sketchy (and I'm not usually one who cares, I kind of like sketchy) and there was a "Closed" sign on the door. So no boxing for me today.

I've got to find something to do to get in shape before the big 4-0. I just don't want to ooze into the next decade; I'd like to run into it with no jiggling, at least no arm or thigh jiggling. I can't find my "thing" and I've looked in several various and interesting places. Suggestions are welcome, especially from locals who have a really good thought...

And while I'm on the subject of jiggling, I'm totally letting my mind go to waste. I mean, how many gossip blogs can you read before you turn into mush? What up? They are ALL THE SAME. And yet I can't look away. Help me! Anything with more substance just doesn't entertain me...

SO, I'll try to be back before September hits. If I can just convince myself to log off Snarky Gossip...

Later!

Not satisfied...

2007-07-20T21:43:00.000-05:00

I have recently realized (again) that I am just not satisfied with myself--with anything about myself. It may be a phase (I've certainly been through this before) or it may just be who I am. Which will be a very disappointing life unless I can figure out what to do about it.

When I was younger, not being satisfied meant that I could push myself harder and get great results. But I still don't feel like I've achieved anything worthwhile with my life, and time, as they say, is of the essence.

So sometimes I wonder: What is it going to take to actually be satisfied with myself?

On being nice...

2007-06-30T19:29:00.000-05:00

What does it mean to be nice? I mean, really?

I used to think I was a nice person. Actually, I used to think that others thought I was a nice person. Deep down, I knew that I wasn't as nice as I appeared to be. And it was a lot of work trying to be nice all of the time. But for some reason I felt compelled to be considered a nice person. I really wanted, no needed people to think that I was really nice.

Not to say that I didn't have moments of genuinely being nice. I still do. But for some reason, niceness just isn't my goal anymore.

When I left my job as a children's pastor, I was really angry at the church. I was fed up with so much, some of which I still can't even name. I think I decided that being nice was for the birds. I wanted to be real instead. And for me, being "real" meant not being nice all of the time.

But now I'm coming back around. I've been out of the church business (as a full time participant) for almost two years. And I want to learn how to be real and be nice at the same time.

I have a ways to go. Just ask the people around me that I haven't been nice to...

(Yes, I am aware of the dangling preposition. It just seemed to flow better with it!)

Self-realization...

2007-06-22T16:20:00.000-05:00

I love being alone. On the Myers-Briggs scale, I am an "I" all the way. "Introverted" in the sense that I get energized by being alone.

That's why my new job is such a cherry. I get to sit in a very large office space. All alone. All day. Every day. Well, almost every day.

So that's why it was such a shock today to realize that maybe, just maybe, I needed a little human contact to stay, well...sane.

It's not that I'm talking to myself (I am) or singing to myself (I am) or calling myself names (I'm doing that, too). I realized today that void of human contact, I am starting to be concerned, I would say overly concerned, that others don't like me. HA! No one even knows me! I talk to people via email for all of two or three lines at a time, and I'm concerned that they don't like me? I've even started adding smiley faces to my emails to make sure my tone sounds cheery.

Seriously, I had no idea this would happen.

So I tried to snap myself out of it today with a few "get over its" and "get a lifes." Hopefully acknowledging that I have a "problem" is half the battle.

And here I though being alone would be good for me! :)

How odd...

2007-06-22T16:18:00.000-05:00

The month headings on my archived posts are in Spanish...

What could it mean?

Trying to Jumpstart the blog...

2007-06-16T22:44:00.001-05:00

It's trying to start the habit of semi-daily blogging again! Just when I got over the pressure to have something meaningful to say every time I logged on, I got all busy with finishing grad school. Thankfully, if I've learned anything from my exploration of theology, it's that I feel comfortable letting go of the need for meaning. Ha ha.

Well, I finally got the diploma in the mail yesterday (hallelujah!) and I'm ready to get on with my life. So I'm trying to get back on the blog circuit, writing and reading, participating in e-life.

It's just I can't think of much to say right now. So I'll just share a little slice of my life today...entitled "What I Brought Home from my Parents' House."

Unlike many others, I did not take much out of my bedroom when I left my parents' house. But I have slowly seen my mom's clothes take over my old closets, so I'm getting the hint. "It's been twenty years, get your junk out of my house." :)

So this is what I brought home today:

1. My Yearbooks - one from grade school, two from middle school, four from high school and one from college. (I stopped purchasing the ones from UK--too many people I didn't know!)

2. Twenty-two Trixie Belden books--my whole collection. I'm not sure if any more were published. I really loved these as a kid, much much more than Nancy Drew.

3. Some old pictures - sorority, Chrysalis, Emmaus, Lake Junaluska...all pictures of an "old" life.

4. Three really cool coloring books that are practically unused. I didn't want to "ruin" them so I never started them. I'm buying some cool markers tomorrow.

5. My microscope and collection of 48 prepared slides. This will give my husband something to do this summer while he's off work.

6. Last but not least, my copy of How to Eat Fried Worms. I think I saw a preview for a movie of this book, and I wanted to read it again (and have Robbie read it) before we see it. A kid's book, but I really loved reading as a child and it brings back such good memories. I actually spent most of my allowance on books at the "Little Professor" book store.

AND...my brand new set of Harry Potter books should be arriving from Borders any day now! I haven't read ANY of them. Now that I'm done with school, I'm going to enjoy them! I hope to read them before the last book comes out.

Did I mention I love to read?

All Hail Obi Wan Kenobi...

2007-06-15T22:14:00.001-05:00

All Hail Obi Wan Kenobi...
Originally uploaded by megnet77

My nephew arranged all of the Star Wars action figures around Obi Wan and had them chanting "All hail Obi Wan Kenobi" until his dad said, "If you say that ONE more time..."

This is what I woke up singing...

2007-06-09T07:01:00.001-05:00

I love this song...but how odd that this is what woke me up early today!

June! A new leaf...

2007-06-08T23:05:00.001-05:00

Today I finally finished my degree! It's late, and I don't have a lot on my mind other than sleep right now, but I wanted to update my blog for the first time in MONTHS and start the good habit of writing frequently on my blog.

I look forward to catching up on other blogs, too.

I, Margaret, do solemnly promise to blog more often...and hope that my brain does not turn to mush now that I am not in grad school anymore!

Hopefully I can find something interesting to jot down occasionally.

First...sleep.

See you tomorrow!

"May"--what I 'may' do...

2007-03-02T18:08:00.000-05:00

I was able to do some writing on my final paper today, and I'm starting to get really excited about graduation. May 19.

I'm looking forward to being able to do nothing...or anything else I want to do!

So here are a few things that I might do starting after I walk off the stage on May 19 with my diploma in hand:

1. Get a dog. A beagle, like Porthos on Enterprise. I've never had a pet, but for some reason I can't get enough of that dog.

2. OR...get two cats. They don't need as much attention, and two of them could keep each other company.

3. EXERCISE. I can't wait to get back into shape--no, I want to get into amazing ROCKING shape, a shape I've never been before!!!! Running, the gym, weights, and some interesting dance classes...I'm so ready for this. By the time I turn forty I want to feel GREAT.

4. Sing. I really think I'm going to do it this time...get my guitar and a friend or two with hand percussion and get out there.

5. OR...act. I think community theater is where I might try that out.

6. Get my voice over career on going. I've done a few commercials locally (all pro bono, ha ha) and really enjoy that. So in my "spare" time, maybe I'll get recording.

7. Fix up my yard. Woah...maybe that's a bit too much.

CAN'T WAIT FOR UNLIMITED FREE TIME WITH NOTHING PENDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Last but not Least (Jesus Video #4)

2007-03-01T10:13:00.000-05:00

Enjoy!

This is my favorite one...(Jesus video #3)

2007-02-25T20:51:00.000-05:00

This is the one that makes me laugh the most. I love what it says about the idea of sin.

Anyone up for a discussion?

Enjoy!

Football! (Jesus Video #2)

2007-02-24T14:26:00.000-05:00

Number two in the four part series...ha ha!

Any thoughts? Historical Jesus versus religious Jesus/church Jesus?

I think Jesus would laugh, too...

2007-02-23T16:41:00.000-05:00

I was watching these videos again today, and they always make me laugh. Though I'd share them, just in case you hadn't seen them yet.

I'll post the others soon. Enjoy!

P.S. I'd love to talk about what these videos make you think about...

Wrestling in the Mud...

2007-02-19T19:48:00.000-05:00

I'm trying to write an essay about the "key christological teachings stemming from the Council of Chalcedon" and how that doctrine affected the doctrines of the human person and soteriology.

This is for my Christian Doctrine I class, oddly enough the last class I will take before (hopefully) receiving my degree. Odd because I'm studying the development of Christian doctrine from ground zero.

I'm glad I'm studying it now. I feel much more equipped to wrestle in the mud with these ideas then I would have at the beginning of my time in grad school. And I'm enjoying the process so much more than I would have before I knew the lingo. Oh yes, theology is really just a fancy language that some people choose to learn to speak. But this fancy language just describes what most people wrestle with in one way or another.

I like being able to speak both languages; it's handy. But when it comes right down to it, I think I want to be a translator. A go-between for the common man and the theologian. Because both types can learn something from the other. A worthy calling that I think I'll say 'yes' to...

Help!

2007-02-13T12:52:00.001-05:00

Help!
Originally uploaded by megnet77.

This is not a very clear photo of my dying African violet, but I was hoping someone might be able to help my save it.

The leaves keep falling off and it is very, very moist despite the fact that i have not been watering it! I watered it at first, (from the bottom) but it was never dry, and I didn't want to drown it.

Now the stems are very swollen and, well, wet...and they keep falling off! Please help me save this!

The need to post...

2007-02-08T11:24:00.000-05:00

I feel compelled to get on here and post, even though I don't have any burning, well-rounded thoughts to share. (Not that I've had any of those lately: see last few posts!) I guess I'll just free write to make sure my blog doesn't feel ignored...

I feel a lot of stress right now because of my looming graduation date. I really want to graduate on time, and my final paper is not finished, barely started really. I think if I can carve out a little time soon, I will feel loads better. Here's hoping I can do that.

Work is both really good and not really good. Some days I think, "Yes, managing a store is the next thing I want to do! I enjoy these people." Other days, I think, "Oh my word, there is no way I can manage these people! People are so...complex and troubling. Fun, some days, but a lot of trouble other days. How will I ever manage them and keep my composure?" So I go back and forth with staying here in management training.

Class was really good last night. I'm in a survey of Christian doctrine, starting from ground zero. We hit a tangent last night, a little side note about the idea of sacramental marriage. I decided that we have one of those. And it made me smile right there in class.

I wish I knew what I wanted to do when I grow up. One of my partners at the store mentioned once that I should be a life coach. I'm not even sure what they do, but the sound of it was like hearing a favorite song that you haven't heard in a long time. How on earth do you get started at that? I'd also like to do something on radio or television. What in the world would that be? No idea. I just feel like I have a whole lot of untapped potential that needs to be used in a big and wide-spread way. (I hate seeing that in print. Perhaps I just have an unchecked ego? Yuck...) In the spirit of being honest, I won't delete the last few sentences of this free write...

And last, because I have to get off here and do some reading for grad school, a partner asked me about my faith yesterday. Right at work. He was wondering how leaving the ministry had affected it. I guess he may have been asking why I left the church (though I still attend, just don't work for them anymore). It was nothing I mind talking about, but nothing I could talk about that succinctly at work. I need to come up with a more concise answer, I guess. I wonder--do I give the same answer every time I'm asked?

So, what's on your mind today?

Ten Things I Want Today...

2007-02-04T16:42:00.000-05:00

10. Time off--without homework.
9. To be interested in my schoolwork again.
8. To be finished with my final paper.
7. To be warm.
6. To rein in my sphere of relationships without hurting anyone's feelings.
5. To figure out my next steps, and be excited about them.
4. To be discovered for my abilities.
3. A hot cup of tea.
2. For everyone to be happy and get along.

And the number one thing I want today:

1. More time...

I think I'll go make myself a hot cup of tea.

What are the top ten things you want today?

Top Ten Things I Do Instead of Studying...

2007-01-29T18:18:00.000-05:00

I can't believe I can't be more disciplined!!! Here are the top ten things I do when I am procrastinating:

10. Write on my blog.
9. Check out facebook.
8. Go to Kakuro.com (Thankfully there's only one puzzle a day, so this is a brief distraction!)
7. Nap.
6. Eat...anything.
5. Brew green tea.
4. Drink green tea.
3. Sort drawers.
2. Watch THS or re-runs...of anything.

And the number one thing I do when I should be studying...

1. LAUNDRY!!!

I am obsessed with laundry!
Now...it's time to get back to studying.

Scrubs as Peanuts...

2007-01-25T22:41:00.002-05:00

I know it's after the Christmas season, but I started thinking about this video again today and I thought "I ought to share it with others!"

If you love Scrubs as much as I do, you'll be rolling on the floor. (Caution: Peanuts purists may be offended, so use your best judgment--enjoy!)

Is it Groundhog Day?

2007-01-18T14:23:00.000-05:00

It's one of those times when I feel unable to focus on anything that really needs it. Sure, I can spend time cleaning out my spare room, doing a little bit of reorganizing...but I can't seem to complete the task.

Laundry is the only thing I complete from beginning to end, but laundry just begins again the next day. Kind of like "Groundhog Day."

Maybe I'm like Bill Murray's character at the beginning of the movie. I'm still wasting my time, trying out things.

All I know is that it's very tiring, mentally and physically, to not be able to focus on things that need attention, like my final paper for grad school or my homework for next week. Or even dusting.

I'm sure it's just a phase, but I hope I push through it soon. Before I decide to stop grooming.

My name is...

2007-01-15T21:23:00.000-05:00

HowManyOfMe.com

There are:
184
people with my name
in the U.S.A.

How many have your name?

I saw this on Matt's blog and thought it was fun! How many people share your name?

Strangely enough, my maiden name, which I thought was more uncommon, had 230 other owners. (And there are only 8 people with my husband's name! He's very uncommon!)

The Church and the Klan...

2007-01-07T18:28:00.000-05:00

I watched the last fifteen minutes of "The Chamber" last night. It's a movie based on John Grisham's novel about a lawyer who ends up defending his grandfather, who is a member of the KKK. I haven't seen it before, and if I read the book it was years ago, so the only thing that stuck out about the last fifteen minutes (SPOILER ALERT) was the remorse for his KKK beliefs that the grandfather seemed to express during the last few moments of his life as he prepared for the gas chamber.

As I was sitting in church this morning listening to the sermon, my brain made an odd connection between this scene and the church. There is a segment of the Christian church, some might call it "fundamentalist," that believes in Christ to the exclusion of all other ideas or religions. The buck is passed to Jesus on this, often quoting the words he was purported to have said, "I am the way, the truth and the life; no one comes to the Father except through me." While Christianity is supposed to be a religion of love, I wonder about the effect of deeply held beliefs such as the interpretation of this verse from the gospel of John. I also wonder if other people ever question this...

My connection was this: I wonder if, at the end of their life, any deeply fundamentalist Christian--or Muslim, or Jew--who has believed strongly in their "rightness" over the "wrongness" of the others will experience the remorse that the fictional Klan member in "The Chamber" faced? Many would say that the Klan was all about hate--hate for those who are different. Though it is sugar-coated in love language, and it provides an exemption clause for anyone who is willing to convert, is fundamental Christianity (or any fundamental religious group) any different?

If a picture is worth a thousand words...

2007-01-05T22:42:00.000-05:00

then I don't feel quite so bad about my blog right now.

I started a new blog, Margaret365, that is a picture blog. I am trying to take one picture a day and post it with a little blurb. I have never really been a picture person, but something about the challenge of a picture a day sounded appealing.

I have been surprised how much energy trying to see my life in pictures has given me. So far I've been really excited about it, and it has been meaningful. None of my pictures are visually stunning, or even that interesting, but it has been really fulfilling for me for some reason I can't put my finger on...

So the fact that I can't find words to write about much on this blog right now doesn't bother me as much as it has in the past. Maybe the five thousand words on my picture blog (as of January 5!) are enough right now.

And learning to be content with who I am is a great thing for me to be working on...

I'm not a nerd!

2007-01-02T17:05:00.000-05:00

Okay, so maybe I'm a little bit nerdier than this...if I think real hard I might know my IP address by heart.

What about you?

(Thanks for the link, Matt!)

2007: The Year of the Do-Over…

2007-01-01T22:17:00.000-05:00

The Do-Over: It’s a concept that my husband Robbie talks about a lot. As a guidance counselor and a general student of human nature, Robbie believes that people sometimes get to a place in life that is so difficult that they want a do-over.

I can remember the do-over from childhood. While playing a game with friends, if your first attempt at something was not so spectacular, you would call out “Do over!” And if your friends were kind—or if they owed you one—they might allow you to try it again without a penalty. (I have heard this called a “mulligan” in the world of golfers who are loose with the rules.)

And it was great to have the opportunity to do it again, to not have the first try count against your score. I don’t personally believe that we are keeping score in life, at least I’m not trying to keep score anymore; but it does seem that the do-over is a popular idea.

Divorce can be one example of the do-over for adults. Sometimes we get into such a challenging time in a relationship that we would rather not face it. It may be the consequences of our actions—perhaps we have cheated on our spouse, or our spouse has cheated on us, and we don’t want to have to deal with the hurt feelings. And maybe even more than the hurt feelings, we don’t want to have to deal with our memories.

We rarely forget things in life that are painful. Combine that with our human pride that may propel us to strive for the appearance of not being at fault and there you have it: the Do-Over. If we have caused another person pain that is not likely to be forgotten, rather than be reminded of our shortcomings (and dealing with the relationship-repair work) we may just decide to cry out “Do over!” and choose the divorce route.

This is not a commentary on divorce. Though I’m thankful to be happily married, I have no stones to throw in the divorce arena. I have watched friends and family struggle with the difficulties of life before, during and after divorce, and there seems to be joy and heartache on every road that people choose. I began thinking about the do-over today in the shower, after I realized that I had started a list of New Year’s Resolutions without even meaning to do so.

I am not even a New Year’s Resolution kind of girl. I think you can start a new habit any time you want. I have also seen a lot of well-intentioned resolution makers break their habits so quickly it would make your head spin, so I suppose I’m a little cynical about the effectiveness of the New Year Resolution. But for some reason, January 1, 2007, has brought to mind all kinds of habits I’d like to renew: I want to work out more. I want to eat better. This will be the year I write every day. On and on…

None of these habits are particularly new. They are just currently not habitual in my life. So maybe I’m looking for a do-over, some magical day when I can re-start all my habits and they will actually take root in my life as though I’ve always been a disciplined—and perfect—person.
What is it about the do-over? The appeal is certain, and even religion reflects it: Christianity in some of its present incarnations seems to be the ultimate do-over.

Many more thoughts on Christianity as the religion of the "do-over"...they'll have to wait until next time.

2007: The Year I Started Taking Pictures?

2006-12-29T22:40:00.000-05:00

I've never been one to take pictures. I haven't even enjoyed having my picture taken!

But the stars must be aligning:
--Robbie and I got new phones for Christmas that have a camera!
--My friend Julie has inspired me by trying out Project 365.

I think I'm going to give it a try...one picture a day for a year.

2007 may turn out to be really interesting.

(Here's hoping these are more than New Year's Resolutions!)

2007: The Year I Wrote About...

2006-12-22T18:40:00.000-05:00

My district manager gave me a Christmas gift today. It was a beautiful notebook with an amazing letter in it.

His letter said some really moving things, but the short of it is...he is encouraging me to write--to journal.

As I commit to working more faithfully on my blog, I'm sensing a cosmic theme here.

Hopefully all this writing will yield some benefit (and not just for me).

I'm watching Claymation Christmas!

2006-12-20T10:30:00.000-05:00

What's your favorite Christmas show? Or Christmas commercial?

If you haven't seen it in a while, you might be able to watch it on this awesome site: The Christmas Spot! You can "Watch 101 Classic Christmas Videos Online."

I still haven't found any Hanukkah or Kwanzaa sites yet...I'll keep you posted.

(Thanks, Pop Candy!)

Church thoughts...

2006-12-18T18:37:00.000-05:00

I had a great conversation today with a guy at work. We are in similar positions in the company, and have similar backgrounds as well--lots of church.

As we talked about our struggles to be part of the organized religion that had once been such a prominent part of our lives, I found myself talking again about what church could be...

Instead of a big black hole where you are compelled to throw your money, time and talents, I wish it were a launch pad to help you be a better family member and a better employee. Some people may say "that's what it is!" But this is not my experience right now.

I feel like the church wants me there more and more (which makes me want to be there less and less, despite the fact I still like a few people there). I want to be able to be more and more "present" at home and the office. That's where I can actually make a difference...rather than just serve as a pretty ornament in a museum with the name of an organized religion on the door.

I also surprised myself as I spoke about a passion for learning to harness the power of the media to change people's lives. I'm not talking about writing my own tv show or making my own film, necessarily. I'm just talking about helping people talk about all of the amazing, moving media that is being produced every day--the good, bad and the ugly. Anything that moves us or makes us feel anything could be used as a launch pad for dialogue about life.

And that--for myself--is a lot more interesting than anything else going on in organized religion.

Anyone else want to pull up the couch and watch a movie?

Why so fruitless?

2006-12-15T16:24:00.000-05:00

I'm just posting today because I want to get into the habit of writing. Unfortunately, I don't feel like I have anything to write about...

Is it because I'm boring? Lazy? Because I watch too much mindless television?

In a conversation with one of my mentors this week, I heard myself actually say that I was still holding on to the hope of being "discovered." For what, I have no idea...I'm getting too old to be discovered for my youth, and I'm not sure what else I've got going on...which is reflected in my inability to write about anything today.

So I'm just posting to post. Rather like my just "existing to exist." My mentor said I should pursue something--anything--to keep myself from burning out at work. Ah, if only I could find something to pursue. I'm interested in everything, but nothing stands out enough to say, "Yes, that's what I want to do!"

So I guess I'll just post this and go watch some television. Sadly, I'm pretty sure the answer won't be there!

Wishing and working...

2006-12-11T15:32:00.000-05:00

I'm working on my final paper for my next to last class in grad school. And I'm wishing that I were more excited about writing...

Not just writing my paper (although that would be great!) but writing in general. I really admire my friend Julie, she's definitely a writer by nature.

I would love to be able to write and express myself in a way that would be meaningful to myself and to others. So I ask myself...what if there is nothing in me that is meaningful to express? Is that why I can't write?

Is that why I don't update my blog more than once every few months?

If I believe that writing is so important, why can't I make myself do it?

2006-05-26T22:09:00.000-05:00

You Belong in Dublin

Friendly and down to earth, you want to enjoy Europe without snobbery or pretensions.
You're the perfect person to go wild on a pub crawl... or enjoy a quiet bike ride through the old part of town.

What European City Do You Belong In?

Who knew? My great great great great great great great great great grandfather (Joseph Eaton, I believe--that's nine greats, if you're counting) came to the United States from Ireland. Maybe I've still got remnants of Irish blood tooling around my veins.

I've never been on a pub crawl, but I do have a bicycle...so maybe I'll give the Irish life a try!

What is control?

2006-05-06T10:02:00.000-05:00

It's not a new dilemma, for me or for many. I'm wrestling once again with the idea of God being in control.

The devotion that I read for this morning stated that when the Hebrews were being enslaved by the Egyptians, God was still in control. The stumbling block du jour.

I am not (currently) struggling with the question "Why do bad things happen to good people." I believe that bad things happen to everyone at some time, although some things are worse than others. Bad things just seem to be part and parcel of life on planet earth.

What I am struggling with is whether or not I believe that God is in control of it. If so, then what does it mean to be "in control"? I am not comfortable believing that God causes bad things to happen. And since God is not stopping bad things from happening, what does that say about God's control? And God's choices?

I'm pretty sure I'll never have an answer to this. I just want to be honest and open about the fact that I'm still struggling. I don't want to go numb.

Unresolved issues...

2006-05-05T21:57:00.000-05:00

I have finally finished my semester, and was looking forward to just kicking back--then today happened. I had a major issue arise at work (mostly in my head) that has totally disrupted the time-space continuum.

I realized today that after I left my last job of 9 years, I told myself that I really needed some time to sort through my soul. And today it smacked me upside the head: I have never taken the time to do that. I left my job and went right into school and a new job. And my new job has proven to be much more time consuming (and mind consuming) than I thought it would be.

So even though I thought I was moving forward, today I realized that I haven't been moving at all.

How in the world am I going to stop my life long enough to figure out who I am?

Bag of Inconsistencies...

2006-05-02T10:34:00.000-05:00

My mind is like a plastic trick or treat pumpkin filled up with lots of candy. Some are good, some are not, and I never know what I'm going to get when I reach in without looking. I like to write, and, for the life of me, I cannot make myself finish writing my final exam! I want to be recognized for my great mind, and I just spent a ridiculous amount of money trying to find the right mascara to make my eyelashes look good...

My life is full of inconsistencies, too. I shower every day, but can't make myself dust my house. I work out, and then go eat at White Castle's. I read the Bible every day, and have a hard time dragging myself to church some days.

Well, at least my mind and my life seem to be consistent in their inconsistencies, I guess.

Off to finish my final exam!

It just dawned on me...

2006-04-29T22:55:00.000-05:00

My friend Dawn checked out my bog oh, maybe two weeks ago...

Since then she has started her own blog and has something like TEN posts on it already. I have FOUR in two years. FOUR. What is wrong with me?

So I have accepted the challenge. Gauntlet thrown, gauntlet picked up (to quote "Ask a Ninja"). I will no longer strive for perfection in my posts--just persistance.

Thanks, Dawn! I owe you one.

A Real Miracle

2006-04-09T20:12:00.000-05:00

I have almost stopped believing in miracles. Just this week I heard a news story on the radio about a scientist who is suggesting that perhaps Jesus did walk on water—and he can scientifically offer an explanation. I stopped caring about science proving or disproving ‘miracles’ a long time ago, probably because I had a hard time seeing the relevance of miracles in my personal life.

I have been accepting the use of the word miracle to describe things like the birth of a baby or a beautiful sunset. While they don’t exactly wow me like the childhood stories of miracle like the parting of the red sea or turning water into wine (obviously I am not a mom!) they are certainly beautiful and important moments in life, events that make us pause and take a breath, remembering again the sacredness and the fleetingness of life. But it occurred to me this week that perhaps I have been overlooking a pretty big miracle in the New Testament.

I was a full-time employee of the local church for 12 years, serving as both a youth minister and a children’s minister. I have seen the good, the bad and the ugly in the local church, and unfortunately I have seen a lot more of the bad and the ugly. The cynic in me believes that church brings out the worst in people, and even on a good day I still mostly believe that. That’s what make the story of the woman caught in adultery that much more amazing…

As the story goes, a group of men—religious men—brought to Jesus a woman who had been accused of committing adultery, an offence punishable by death. Some believe that they were trying to trap him; I think perhaps they were just trying to get him to pick a side. In any case, Jesus basically said, “Sure, go ahead and stone her—just make sure that whoever throws the first stone is the guy without sin.” And here’s the miraculous part: For the first time before or since, every one of those religious people dropped their stones. If you have spent much time in a church, you know what I’m talking about. Some people on a good day will drop their stone, but most days you can find someone slinging a rock around the church. Most people have been hit by a flying stone or two. But on that day, something about that situation made each man drop his stone.

I wouldn’t diminish the fact that it was a woman that Jesus was saving that day, either. Funny that despite Jesus’ treatment of women, the church has continued to deny women an equal place. And if the writer of that gospel hadn’t inserted his own textual comment—“Go and sin no more”—imagine what a different place our churches might be. Of course, I could be wrong on this, and I will probably be branded a heretic, but I’ve seen the maxim “Hate the sin, love the sinner” fail too many times to believe that God actually believes it.

You know what else? I bet none of those guys even recognized it was a miracle.

How David Sedaris saved my live...

2006-02-21T20:23:00.000-05:00

I purchased the book at the airport, having finished the novel I had incorrectly assumed would last for the whole trip. Being of a cheap sort, I hesitated to shell out the $14.95 suggested retail value—although I was sure it would be worth it—because I knew that if I waited long enough, one friend or another would offer to let me borrow their copy. However, the thought of facing a two and a half hour flight (and the inevitable wait for my ride at the terminal after my arrival) without some sort of reading material was enough to push me over the edge and whip out my credit card. Hopefully, Mr. Sedaris would appreciate my generosity. Perhaps he would donate $15 to a nice charity.

I began the book before I ever stepped on the plane and quickly found myself stifling my chuckles. Had I been alone, I would have laughed out loud, but I was unsure if my fellow travelers might find my behavior disconcerting before boarding a plane with me. Air travel is so strained now. If I had been with my husband Robbie, I would have been reading salient portions aloud, which takes me three times as long to read a passage because I can’t contain my own laughter when I hear his words out loud.

Somewhere over Kansas, I realized that I was going to finish the book before we touched down in Cincinnati. I debated: should I try to read slower? Should I take a break? I glanced at the gentleman sitting (mercifully) two seats away from me; he was reading one magazine after another—the variety that I couldn’t help but look at on the newsstand but frowned upon others for actually purchasing. And not because I’m cheap. Just because they seem to be so tasteless. Why do we want to know the popular young starlet has lost too much body mass, now weighing in at just slightly above the average house dog? Why do we want to read others’ speculation about the reasons for the break-up of that famous couple’s two year marriage—two years, we thought for sure they’d make it!—and grieve with the ex-wife, looking miserable in her unfortunate photo, caught on the way to the 7-11 without make-up, as her happy ex-hubby is shown cavorting with his latest film co-star? Nope, I’d rather continue reading at my regular pace than continue pondering why this beefy guy reads girly gossip mags.

As I closed the book (should I start over?), I stared out the window and wondered why I enjoyed Mr. Sedaris’ work so much. The answer was more than just “it’s funny stuff.” It seemed to touch a deeper place in me, especially at this time when next to nothing seemed funny. In fact, I’m not sure I’ve ever been more miserable. It’s nothing of a personal nature—my marriage, family and friend situations were all fine—but something about my job has worn a piece of my heart and soul so thin that I seem to be in constant pain. Pain so real and so close to the surface that I cry at the drop of a hat. And as a self-proclaimed macho-girl, I don’t like to cry, so this emotional crap was really taking a toll on me.

And then I began to think that perhaps it was the way that he looked at his life. Mr. Sedaris seems to write about real life situations with his family and his partner—situations that probably are very much not funny at the time, at least to those around him. But something about the filter on his brain, his outlook on life, gives some sort of hope to life rather than making me cry.

Despite my near-depression state and my personal holy war with God (something that has probably not shown up on the radar yet for my church family, but those who are very close to me have glimpsed), I still take the time to read my One-Year Bible every morning and write down verses in my journal that catch my attention. At the present, the plural “verses” often can only be used when one combines my writings over days. But I’m still whacking away at it, for some reason I can’t seem to identify. I rarely look back at what I have written, since most of it seems so far from relevant that my tea leaves speak louder, but something in me suddenly remembers what I might have jotted down today. I have to pull it from my knapsack to verify, but there it is written in my own hand: “A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.” This morning my only reflections on this proverb were “Wow, crushed spirit really resonates with me right now” and “why is the writer so bent on being negative—can’t he end on an up note?” Now however, the idea of a cheerful heart stands out to me. Whether Mr. Sedaris or his family would identify his own heart as a cheerful one is a quandary to me, but I know that his words, if only for a few moments, lift me out of my own unhappiness (an unusual departure from life as of late).